deadxstop

we were kings.


I never knew how to fight.
But that was all he knew.
He didn’t fit in and he listened to the same bands I did. I knew it from the T-shirts he wore. Our peers scorned us both for our inability to “go with the flow,” so we bonded. Our love for self-loathing was only surpassed by our loathing for the ones who walked the halls looking down their noses.
We sneered and made childish generalizations about their status amongst the high school pack of sheep.
Together we were solid. A unit. No one thought like we did. We were dethroned kings; waiting for the day we were to regain our title. Because, see then, then the chicks would see that we were more than the flash of leather jackets and Sid Vicious sneers. We would be revered for our individuality and our sense of originality. But until that day, we had to keep our eyes to the ground while we awaited our rightful place.

He would spend many evenings at my house eating microwavable burritos and shooting at whatever wildlife mistakenly stumbled into my backyard. Calling girls, watching soft-core porn and listening to Misfits bootleg records. We came together at the perfect time. The planets aligned and we met … and we skated the same ramps, listened to the same music, went to the same shows, and we understood that we were kings. We bonded even more over the similarities of our broken homes. He had an absent father and a mother that didn’t understand. I had an absent father and a mother that didn’t understand as well ... but the problem was, my mother tried to understand.

This he resented.

When I was inclined to point fingers to those I accused of stealing my rightful place, my mother did her best to diffuse that anger. But no one was there for him, so that anger went into the mirror ... and when you're a teenager and you hate yourself, it’s only a matter of time before that anger is directed outward.
I watched as it built.
First it was the preps that ruled over our lunchroom.
“Those fucking sheep,” he would say under his breath, as they would walk by.
“Why do THEY get the hot chicks?”
I would frown and nod my head in agreement.
Then it was the suburban gangbangers that ruled the halls.
“Fucking fakes. Like any of these kids could even point out where Compton is.”
I would frown and, again, nod my head.
Then it was the blacks.
“Fucking blacks, why are they so fucking loud?”
That was when it struck me that this might be headed in the wrong direction, but again, I nodded because I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror as well.
“Fucking Mexicans, they come over here and steal all of our jobs.”
“Whoa dude, I’m Mexican,” I responded.
“Yeah man, but you know what I mean. You’re cool because you're not like a ‘real’ Mexican.”
This wasn’t the first time I heard this phrase, nor would it be the last.
As time went on, rhetoric like this became commonplace. It began as petty as punk vs. what we viewed were conformists, but soon racism, homophobia and bigotry were the excuse and reason for whatever it was that was missing in our lives.

And I bought in...

To an extent.
Because I didn’t fit in. No matter how much I tried, no one ever liked me for me. I was always too skinny, too dumb, too small, too “gay.” There wasn’t a direction for my anger. There was so much that when I dared to look it in the face, I ended up taking a razor blade to my skin, or breaking out the windows of cars, to telling my mother to “shut her face” because that animosity had to go somewhere ... and when you're young, the sights you've been given aren't calibrated for shit.
So I aimed,
And shot,
And hit all the wrong targets.
Soon I began to see the holes in his reasoning. The figures and statistics he would throw at us during our skate sessions in the street now ruined our fun and were beginning to wear on us.
He blamed blacks for welfare and drugs.
He blamed gays for their supposed lack of morals and for AIDS.
He blamed Mexicans for the lack of jobs.
And he accused the Jews of controlling the media and blamed them for the death of Jesus.

He blamed and he blamed. He pointed his finger, accused, tried and convicted everyone that wasn’t like him. Everyone that didn’t live his life. I may have been young, but even then I saw that he had turned into what we hated. What we stood against. What we espoused to never become.
I didn’t want it anymore because hate is heavy, and I was too smart to actively seek out such an unnecessary and overbearing burden.
So I took one of the most important steps in my life. Standing in front of my bathroom mirror with clenched fists and a tear-streaked face, I asked the question "WHY?" over and over.
It hurt, and it was scary.
It was like picking at a scab, but I knew it was for the best.
One evening, in the bathroom, I learned that I can’t control the lives of others, no matter how much I hate. The only control I have is over myself and I wasn’t even doing that well. How could I possibly point fingers, accuse and hate people, cultures and communities I didn’t know when I didn’t even understand the kid who looked back at me in the mirror?

I had no right. I at least learned that much that evening, that I had no right.

Luckily, what else I learned was that I had an obligation to myself to be as brutally honest as possible because I knew that if I couldn’t be honest with myself, that I would never have the ability to do so with anyone else. And how was I supposed to learn how to love and BE loved if I couldn’t stand naked and alone in an empty room? I was sabotaging my own life by attaching the insecurities of others to my back.
That night I promised myself that I wouldn’t live a life that only moved forward to push others down.

I never had many role models in my life.
No teacher that went the extra mile. No coach that got me through hard times. No tutor who helped me make the grade. No priest who taught me how to love. No godparent that gave me the secrets on how to allow myself to be loved.
But that’s fine.
I’ve had enough people in my life to show me how NOT to live.

And that’s all the guidance I need to learn how to be a king once again.




from my new book:
'notes from the deep end'
a year in the life of a touring author

order now at:
askheychris.com

She said,


“But I don't want to try anymore, it hurts.”

I took a long breath because I knew what was coming. She didn't.
I asked her if she laughed today.
She said, “Yes.”
I asked her if she has a family that loves her.
She said, “Yes.”
I asked her if she still had the ability to make money,
to make friends,
to run and smile.
She said, “Yes, now what the fuck are you getting at?”

I asked if she has ever been betrayed,
Stabbed in the back,
Taken for granted,
Abused.
She said, “Yes.”

I told her that the problem was her.
That she didn't even realize that she came complete with the armor she so desperately craved. The answers she desired. The coping mechanisms she cried out for.
They were all right in front of her. No, they were in her. On her.
They were the magic that kept her feet in motion.

I told her that she's been walking through fire all along and never once stopped to look in the mirror and appreciate the glorious woman she had been forged into. That she had been to hell, got kicked in the vagina and came back loving. I told her that I learned a valuable lesson years ago the hard way. That if you weren't dead, you could still put one foot in front of the other and that each step forward was a step further away from the hurt.

I told her that not trying was suicide.
But breathing in and out, putting one foot in front of the other, smiling, not stopping ... well, that was loving.

That was learning to love yourself.




order now at:
askheychris.com
'notes from the deep end'
6.8.08.

doing my speaking shows. come out and hang. i like people.

sometimes.

April, 6 2008 04:00 PM - Friends’ Meeting House
, manchester, - donation

April, 7 2008 06:00 PM - Kitchen Garden Café Ltd
, birmingham, - donation

April, 8 2008 06:00 PM - landsdown pub 8 clifton rd.
, bristol - donation

April, 9 2008 05:00 PM - Lee Rosy’s Tea
17 Broad Street,, nottingham, NG1 3AJ - donation

April, 10 2008 05:00 PM - Friends’ Meeting House
ship street, brighton, - donation

April, 11 2008 07:00 PM - Poetry Cafe
22 Betterton St. Covent Garden, london, London and South East WC2H 9BX - donation
venue Tel: 020 7420 9887 more show info. Email: jennygatesdxs@googlemail.com

'notes from the deep end' out summer 2008.

http://askheychris.livejournal.com/181508.html

just picture it, me sitting there eating pizza and jerking off in your socks...

jokes. my new dvd actually makes me look like a respectable dude. the first 250 orders get a free poster. scope it:



wanna know what you're getting yourself into?
..

go to the store at: DEADXSTOP.COM

i also, have new 'live deliberate' belts available.



est. shipping date: december 20th.

link to the article.
of if you're too lazy:


For those of our readers unfamiliar with your work, please state your name and what you do for a living.

My name is Christopher Gutierrez and I walk into rooms across the country spilling my secrets. I am also known as dead stop to my friends, and I write books and rant ridiculousness on the internet.

Before we dig a little deeper, can you please give us a brief history of your career?

Well, I'm not really sure what "career" you're referring to, but I can only assume you're asking when I started writing. I wasn't some kid who had a dream of being the next Stephen King. I remember those kids, and I made fun of them. "Nerds. Who wants to do homework for a living?" I asked myself. But in the early 90's, I began publishing a fanzine because that's what everyone else was doing. It was called deadxstop, and it was a pile of turds. Not only because the content was a copy of every other zine I had seen before (shit, I even had crossword puzzles to fill space), but because I hadn't yet learned that people respect honesty in art. Whether your art is music, painting, sculpting, poetry or storytelling, people can see through bullshit and that was what I was trying to push over on kids, insincere cliches. I was bored in my community college political science class one day and I wrote a handful of stories that I compiled and assembled that afternoon in the library as a joke. Since I didn't take into account my audience, I wrote about what i found entertaining, my cats balls. As ridiculous as that sounds people responded well to it, and that's when I made the realization that sincerity (regardless of form) is paramount. Year after year, zine after zine, I took baby steps in my progression, often stepping in my own puddles of vomit and shit. Years later, a group of my friends received a small amount of fame and wrote a song thanking me for my support. Kids began instant messaging me asking me about said band, so as a joke I began my blog, askheychris.livejournal.com as my smug response to the annoying questions. After a few years, I found that thousands of people were reading my words. I'm not naive, and I'm well aware of how the attention came about, and agree with it or not, it's here. Yes, I have been given an opportunity, and yes, you're goddamn right I'm going to use it. We've all been given opportunities in life, and I'm not going to walk through an open door because some thirteen year old kid with a grudge doesn't like me. But it's not about that opportunity, it's about what you do with that opportunity, and I'm trying to be as responsible as possible with it and use it to the best of my ability. So, I wrote a book, then recorded a spoken word cd, then wrote another book, then began a slew of book tours. I took a gamble and quit my "real" job to follow my dream of being a writer. [Laughs] I ended up being that "nerd" I made so much fun of. Fucking karma.

What inspired you to become an author, and why do you feel people are drawn to your writing?

Writing is cathartic for me. What you read is simply the by-product of my late night melodramatics. Someone along the line thought my stories were entertaining enough that more people should read them, so they started an online petition to urge me to write a book. I wasn't aware that there was an actual demand, so I decided to borrow thousands of dollars to invest into my dream, that I think any fanzine writer, blogger, or anyone who writes aspires to see, their words behind a glossy cover. I won't lie, it was a selfish dream. Anyone who tells you that they think of "the kids" of their audience when they open their first case of books is a liar. It was like opening a box of trophies, and for a kid who only owns one award for being in third grade tee-ball, that shit felt amazing.

If you can tell me why people are drawn to my writing, maybe we can put our heads together and make millions. Honestly, I don't really understand it either. I've made a few mistakes along the way, and I've been honest enough with myself to write down what I've learned. I think people can identify with that. There are so many common themes like alienation, loneliness, the loss of our innocence, the worry of adulthood, the looming expectations of our parents, are we using our potential, are we ashamed of our mirror, are we happy? I think these things transcend age, culture, sexual orientation and musical genres, but in the end, I think it's as simple as "I may be clumsy, but I articulate my insecurities and triumphs with no shame," and I think people respect that.

You recently published your second novel, A Life Deliberate. What sort of material does the book contain?

Some days I wake up with good hair, a smile, and an inspiration to live to the best of my abilities, while other days I wake up with eye boogers, smelly farts, and no desire to do anything but jerk off and watch the history channel. My book is completely representative of all of that and everything in between. It's a celebration of my accomplishments and a confession of my sins. It's full of dirt and villains, and smiles and love.

In comparison to your previous work, how has the response been to this novel so far?

For the first book, I don't think anyone knew what to expect, so people may have been surprised at the honesty. It's like the sophomore slump, you know? You don't have the element of surprise anymore, so people have expectations. The response for the first one was overwhelming, and better than I could have ever hoped for. With the new book, I think people are saying to themselves, "yeah, thats what we expect Chris to do." But the stories are longer, I dig deeper, and I'm much more vulnerable. The progression is obvious. I sold out of my first pressing in half the time it took for the first book, so I don't know how anyone else feels, but I think I'm doing a decent job with the minimal tools I've been given.

You recently embarked on a tour in support of your new book. What can fans expect from your live performance?

I don't want it to be a stuffy and boring experience. I rarely read from the book. I find that telling the stories from my own memory evokes a better response from the audience, as well as myself. It's much more intimate. I think it's somewhere between a book reading, a high school pep rally, and a late night Denny's hangout with your friends.

Now that you've had the opportunity to experience the best of both worlds, which do you prefer: band tours or book tours, and why?

Fuck. Book tours. Man, do you know how much it sucks to load amps and equipment, or tune and change strings in the cold of the winter or the heat of the summer? It's brutal. Now, I walk in with a book, a bottle of water, and a mouthful of ridiculousness, and I get to do it for a living. Also, I feel I connect with people more on book tours, as opposed to band tours. It's easy to hide behind a guitar or someone else's lyrics, while it's much more difficult when it is just you, your head, your heart, and a room full of people waiting for you and only you to entertain them.

What do you consider your greatest accomplishment to date, and what exactly do you wish to accomplish in the future?

My greatest accomplishment? Being thirty-two years old and every year of my life being better than the last. It sounds lame, but it's the truth. The future? I would like to be able to not worry about being able to eat. That's all. I feel like a little homeless man who walked into a restaurant and sat down, then someone came over to me and set a huge ice cream sundae in front of me. I didn't earn it, and I don't deserve it, but goddamn I'm going to enjoy it until someone kicks me out of the place. For me to ask for anything more would be like me saying "thanks for the ice cream, but couldn't you put nuts and cherries on this motherfucker?" I would feel greedy. I don't need anything more than what I already have.

Prior to becoming a novelist, you performed in a band called Arma Angelus. Do you have any plans to continue with music in the future?

No, although when I'm jumping around my living room floor-punching to old Youth of Today songs, I miss playing on a stage and jumping on kids heads. Maybe I'll do that at the end of one of my speakings, just start two-stepping and windmilling, and then try and walk on the kids heads.

While on the subject of music, who are your favorite bands performing today, and who do you recommend our readers support?

I'm in love with Modern Life is War, Red Sparrows, Interpol, 2*Sweet, and Bloc Party. 2*Sweet are some of the hardest working, most appreciative dudes out there today. Talk all the shit you like, but those fuckers play just as hard to three people as they do three-hundred. Then, they load their van back up with a smile and five bucks in their pocket, and they keep doing it month after month. It doesn't hurt that they play awesome songs as well.

You were slapped with the "HeyChris" tag in 2003 when Fall Out Boy included your name in the chorus of their track "Grenade Jumper." How did it feel to hear one of the scene's poster-bands dedicate a song to yourself, and looking back, are you pleased with what the inclusion has allowed you to do?

Fuck yeah, I'm proud of it. That was awesome. It was a moment in time, and when I listen to that song now, it takes me back to an amazing summer. Yes, of course I am pleased and extremely grateful. I'm well aware of the doors that the song has opened for me, and I am forever thankful for it just like anyone would be if someone helped them out along the way. I read in Men's Health magazine a few months back that 85% of people got their job by someone putting in a good word for them, and that's the way I see it. Someone put in a good word for me.

To clear the air once and for all, what exactly happened between Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and yourself, and what sort of relationship do you maintain with the group today?

He did something crappy, and I retaliated with something crappy of my own, and now we're both better dudes because of it. Friends have beef. You, me, dudes in bands, your brother, sister, coach, neighbor. It's just that this beef was public. so it was magnified by a thousand. It's over and done with, and of course we'll never be as close as we once were, but we're cool. I love him with all of my heart. As far as the band, I don't think they've ever recorded a bad song. Yeah, I said it. What?

Now that you have initiated your own successful career, are you in any ways sick of being of being associated with that reference?

It's not really that big of a concern of mine. It was like watching Screech on Celebrity Fit Club. He would get all bent out of shape when someone called him that. yet he brought it up every chance he got. That's lame. I understand that the tag is permanently affixed on my back, and that's fine with me. I don't run around telling people about it, but if they ask, I'll talk about it. Plenty of bands write songs about other people, only this band got popular. It was an honor, but it was four years ago. I've smiled, breathed it all in, and moved on.

You now maintain a highly-popular online journal. What is the strangest encounter with a fan you have ever experienced?

I always say, no one can creep me out. I'm the king of the creeps. I've been doing this far too long. [Laughs] I have had people break into my apartment building, slip demo records under my door, decorate my apartment building, and on more than one occasion, people have taken pictures of me through my window while I was home. I think it's hilarious, and awesome at the same time. Hey man, it means people are paying attention, and there are people out there who spend their entire lives trying to get others to pay attention. I welcome it.

How do you go about dealing with ignorant comments and remarks made towards you personally over the internet?

Thank God that they're there. You can either let shit like that bum you out, or you can use it to inspire your art. That's what I try to do. I read every last one of the emails and comments I receive. I look for genuine criticism, and then ask myself if there is any validity. If there is, maybe they have made me look at something in a new light. However, most are just haters telling me to get off of Fall Out Boy's coattails. I've moved on from it, and so should they. It's really low of someone to bring up a beef that happened between two friends that they don't know personally from years ago and pontificate on the direction of their careers. There is a line from a Minor Threat song that I always recite to myself when I read shit like that, and it goes "You tell me that I make no difference, but at least I'm fucking trying. What the fuck have you done?"

On the other hand, how does it make you feel to know there are people out there who turn to you, and you alone, for advice and wisdom?

I don't feel like I deserve it. I'm not trying to sound overly humble or anything, I'm being completely honest. I'm the same insecure, fifteen year old, punk rock kid who walked down the hall in high school with his chin buried in his chest trying not to get beat up. Only now, I'm older and I've learned how to hold my head up. Either way, some people do look to me for answers, generally answers I don't have. I can only tell them what has worked for me personally, and if someone can take something from that, then I live a blessed life. I'm trying my best to be as responsible as I know how to with the hearts people hand me.

Do you plan to go in a different direction with your next novel, or are short-stories alone where your passion lies?

The next book will be a cross between the type of short-stories from the first two books and my journal. I want to be even more honest and vulnerable. I want people to know what keeps this machine moving forward, and not gloss over the kinks in that system.

Where do you see your career taking you within the next ten years?

Man, I have no idea. Seriously, not a clue. If I could keep this up for the rest of my life, I would die the happiest man on the planet.

That's all the questions we have for you today. Do you have any last words you'd care to offer our readers?

Wes. Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols is the greatest record ever recorded. Your band will never be as good as Black Flag. Go read You Can't be Neutral on a Moving Train by Howard Zinn. It will change your life. Listen to Minor Threat, and know your history. Thank you for giving me this opportunity.

Thank you for taking the time out of your schedule to answer these questions for us.

currently i am in astoria, oregon where they filmed the goonies, in less than an hour i am leaving this hotel (where the cast stayed while they filmed the movie) to roll through the town and find all the locations and possibly one-eyed willie. pictures and videos to follow.
tonight i will be speaking in seattle.
then minneapolis
then milwaukee
then chicago
...oh, you get the drift.

come out to my readings, i promise to be entertaining or your money back.

Sep 13 2007 7:00P
cutter point cafe tacoma, Washington
Sep 14 2007 6:00P
bean scene minneapolis, Minnesota
Sep 15 2007 6:00P
mocha a coffee bistro milwaukee, Wisconsin
Sep 16 2007 6:00P
the fixx coffeebar chicago, Illinois
Sep 17 2007 6:00P
AJs cafe ferndale, Michigan
Sep 18 2007 6:00P
Brielle’s Coffee and Team Room cleveland, Ohio
Sep 19 2007 6:00P
caffe aroma buffalo, New York
Sep 20 2007 6:00P
professor javas coffee sanctuary albany, New York
Sep 21 2007 6:00P
Umass-lowell lowell, Massachusetts
Sep 22 2007 6:00P
voxpop cafe brooklyn, New York
Sep 23 2007 6:00P
starbucks Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Sep 24 2007 6:00P
blue house baltimore, Maryland
Oct 22 2007 6:00P
poetry cafe london, London and South East
Oct 23 2007 7:00P
University Of Nottingham - University Park campus nottingham
Oct 24 2007 6:00P
cafe pop manchester
Oct 25 2007 7:00P
the centre for life newcastle
Oct 27 2007 6:00P
TBA glasgow

i drove over hoover damn today. it reminded me of vegas vacation where clark griswald slid down the side.
i was there about 10 years ago. i went to the gift shop, paid $4 for a hoover damn golf ball, walked over to the edge and dropped in down into the big ass engines. it made a huge bang so i went running. im sure if i did that shit now id get thrown in jail for terrorism or some bullshit.
its pretty at night, i wont lie. i wanted to make a video but my cheap ass digital camera wouldnt take good footage. there was a bat flying around that wouldnt leave us alone. he chilled with us for a good few minutes before peacing out to eat more moths.

come out and hang at my upcoming speakings or im peeing on your cat.

09/08/2007 04:00 PM - mamas javas coffee house
3619 e. indian school rd., phoenix, Arizona 85018 - donation
more info: 602.840.5282

09/09/2007 11:00 AM - jennifers coffee connection
4397-D Tujunga Ave., Ste D, studio city, California 91604 - donation
contact info: (818) 769-3622

09/10/2007 05:00 PM - the blue danube cafe
306 Clement St., san francisco, California 94118 - donation
contact info: 415.221.9041

09/13/2007 07:00 PM - cutter point cafe
1936 Pacific Avenue, tacoma, Washington 98402 - donation
contact info: 253-272-7101

09/14/2007 06:00 PM - bean scene
2220 W Broadway Ave.,, minneapolis, Minnesota - donation
contact info: (612) 588-5282

09/15/2007 06:00 PM - mocha a coffee bistro
124 w. wisconsin ave., milwaukee, Wisconsin - donation
contact info: 414.276.6242

09/16/2007 06:00 PM - the fixx coffeebar
3053 N. Sheffield Ave, chicago, Illinois 60657 - donation
contact info: (773) 248-0841

09/17/2007 06:00 PM - AJs cafe
240 W. Nine Mile Rd.,, ferndale, Michigan 48220 - donation
contact info: (248) 399-3946

09/18/2007 06:00 PM - Brielle’s Coffee and Team Room
6523 Brecksville Rd, cleveland, Ohio 44131 - donation
contact info: 216.642.9292

09/19/2007 06:00 PM - caffe aroma
957 elmwood ave., buffalo, New York 14222 - donation
contact info: 716.884.4470

09/20/2007 06:00 PM - TBA
, albany, New York - donation

09/21/2007 06:00 PM - Umass-lowell
100 Pawtucket Street, fox Hall - 3rd Floor, Visual and Performing Arts Center (VPAC), lowell, Massachusetts 01852 - donation
Description:Parking on-street is limited so eplease try to car-pool, or take the commuter rail and in-town buses. For more information on traveling to the campus via public transportation or any other inquiries, please e-mail MathewHeroic@aim.com, or on AIM at MathewHeroic.

09/22/2007 06:00 PM - voxpop cafe
1022 Cortelyou Rd, brooklyn, New York 11218 - donation
contact info: (718) 940-2084

09/23/2007 06:00 PM - starbucks
347 South Street, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania 19106 - donation
contact info: 215-627-4060

09/24/2007 06:00 PM - blue house
1407 Fleet St, baltimore, Maryland 21231 - donation
contact info: (410) 276-1180

they really need to make blogging hours from 9am to 9pm.
any posting during non-specified hours needs to go directly into the trash folder or a secret journal because nothing but woe-is-me crap comes out after 9pm. and ill be damned if i begin churning out more of that garbage.

i just wrote this entire post about appreciation.
i deleted it.
because i feel that if you truly want to change your perspective you need to actively and aggressively work towards your goal. and mine is, no more feeling sorry for myself. granted, i know we all feel that way from time to time but you know what? there are plenty of bands out there who do that shit for a living and my lackluster writing isnt even in the running. so fuck it, lets all just leave that shit up to the professionals.


i need to crawl into bed so i can keep these thoughts away from the internets.
im bad news all around.

i know, dear lurkers, i havent been the best internet boyfriend lately. but see, ive been a tad busy and these $30 hotels never seem to have working wireless, otherwise i would be an updating fool because driving 10 hours a night makes for a lot of ranting.
so much has gone down in the last week i wouldnt even know where to begin. ive been to some amazing towns, met wonderful people and many of you have graced me with your presence while i shoveled food into my face. so many names that if i started to make a list we would be here all day. lets just say "thank you", and if you think that it refers to you, it probably does.

i love driving. not because ive been pulled over twice and gotten off with warnings because i tell the sad "im a touring author" story but because ive gotten to see so much of the country ive made a point to stay away from.
you know, i joked and wanted to call it the "lynch the brown boy" tour because, for all of you euros and other people from far away continents, the southern part of america isnt really known for its celebration of diversity and tolerance. but wait...let me tell you this. motherfuckers are SO nice down here. people keep asking me how im doing...then actually WAITING for a response. insane. AND. AND. i thought i was going to get lynched for being brown, then i come down here...THIS is where the brown people come from. i totally forgot texas used to be fucking mexico until we decided to steal it.

so yeah, the turn outs down here have been a little smaller than what im used to and while i wont even be breaking even on the car rental, hotels, gas and food...i am still so grateful to walk into a room and see people there who believe in me. and thats an amazing feeling. but since its small it makes it that much more intimate. see, it doesnt feel like an audience, it feels like a group of new friends. yeah yeah, i know that shit sounds all hippy but im for reals. i am having an amazing time and tomorrow i will be in st. louis to do my last speaking of the first leg. then i have like 10 days off then i roll to vegas to start the second leg.

if you live in or around st. louis, come hang with me today and let me talk at you:
coffee cartel
2 Maryland Plaza, st. louis, Missouri 63108
contact info: 314.454.0000
6pm.


so, i suppose its time to address a certain something.
a while ago i had a bit of a 'falling out' with a friend. shit sucked. a lot of shit was said and done that shouldnt have. i have apologized and he has apologized, the beef is squashed and HAS been for some time now. if you still feel compelled to write me and tell me how i need to "get over it", you and your turd friends may now cease your internet emailing campaign because that shit is like years old, yo. hate all you like or keep choosing sides if it makes you feel better. but in the end, both of us are cool and thats all that matters. so yeah.

so why am i mentioning this now? because he mentioned something on his journal and i want to put all the questions to rest. now please, lets move on and talk about how i masturbated into a sock while driving, sidekicking and sitting indian-style with the cruise control on 80 while watching the old version of war of the worlds on my laptop with earphones on.

econolodge: $47.
for the extra seven dollars i get a couch and a table, you know, if i have guests and such.
i talked to joe again tonight, he let me go to go watch mr. hollands opus. me? oh me, im laying around in my underwear watching the movie, the mexican. you know, we're two dudes in flux, we should be out snorting ants and peeing on historical landmarks, but no, sadly we're old dudes (born 3 days apart) who cherish our tv time.
shit like this will NOT make for a good next book.

todays reading was in marietta, georgia. the place reminded me of AJs in michigan and i love that place. shit, the last time i was at AJs was the first and only time i ever got applause when i walked into a room. like, for real applause. i thought the kids were making fun of me...well shit, i hope you werent. anywho, it usually takes a few speakings for me to get into a 'flow' and i think im starting to find it again. im trying to work in new stories, stuff i havent written about on here on in my book but damn man, thats all i do is disclose practically every aspect of my life so its kind of difficult coming up with shit people havent heard. plus, i have to tell stories from the book because hey, thats what im touring in support of, right?

f the critics, this movie is fucking awesome. plus its when brad pitt was still hot, now he has gumball cheeks or something that resembles meth face.

you know, i understand this tour im on is last-minute AND in the south which is notorious for having less than stellar turnouts. i was aware of this before it began. but let me tell you something...in complete honesty, while the crowds are smaller than they tend to be in the midwest, when i walk into that room it still feels like my fucking birthday when i see kids (and adults) that are there for ME. like, not for my band or to sing along to a catchy song...but to hear ME talk about the ridiculousness of my life.
afterward, i try to go out to dinner with whoever can still tolerate me. tonight i had a steak and green beans with bacon, because hey, why not? fucking southerners. anyone who can consistently tolerate summer after summer of this heat madness would probably be so messed up they would eat the intestines of a pig...oh, wait.

after i speak in jacksonville, florida tomorrow night i have an 11 1/2 hour drive BY MYSELF to memphis, tennessee.
if you live anywhere within a 4 state radius i expect you to be there with your friends, family, dog and any current, ex and future boyfriends. oh, and they better be in the market for some crappy posters and even crappier books because ive got a few boxes of em left.


and if you dont laugh at this i dont want to be your friend.

sometimes i think it would be best to have some crap job to keep me on a schedule. i turn into a fucking lump when i dont have structure. its like growing up a latch key kid, while i may have learned independence to an extent, i also lacked certain aspects of structure which are apparent now as an adult.
see, you tell me i can stay up till 5am and i will. tell me i dont have to clean my room, i will. if no ones around to tell me not to eat the entire box of ice cream, oh yeah, dont mind if i do.
my life has become jerking off into socks, staying up till 5am, eating pizza every night and laying around lake michigan all day. actually now that i think about it, its pretty awesome. im livin the dream, man.
i have always wanted to get a job at mcdonalds but during the interview act a little slow. like when they ask me what my skills are, i will tell them that i "color reeeeally good". then if i get the job just act like a moron so that way i wont have to put much effort into the job whatsoever. hey, ill get all the fries and mcnuggets i can stuff in my pockets and yo, im not above that shit.

i only drink pop when i eat pizza. its like those turds who say, "i only smoke when i drink." im like that but much much cooler. anywho, when i drink i drink the entire 2 liter. see kids, this is why your uncle chris doesnt drink, because i would be a raging alcoholic. instead, ill just be up till the sun rises and my teeth will rot out

oh yeah, i leave on my next book tour on friday, come out and hang. (booked so far)

August 18th - Richmond, VA, speaking - (Common Groundz)
6pm - Common Groundz - 734 West Broad Street, Richmond ,VA 23220 804-366-8586, $3 Cover
August 19th - Charlotte, NC - (Legends Espresso)

4pm - Legends Espresso - 123 Trade Ct., Mooresville, NC 28115, (704) 799-2225, Donations

August 20th - Atlanta, GA – (Swayze’s)

6pm – Swayze’s - 2543 Bells Ferry Rd. Suite 650, Marietta, GA 30066, 770-590-0111, Donations

August 21st - Jacksonville, FL (Uncommon Grounds)

6pm – Uncommon Grounds Coffee – 2000 Hendricks Ave. Jacksonville, FL 32207, 904-398-3776, Donations

August 22nd - Memphis, TN

6pm – MO’s Edge Coffeehouse – 3521 Walker, Memphis, TN 38111, 901-413-1315, Donations

August 23rd - Houston, TX – (Walter's On Washington)

6pm – Walter’s On Washington - 4215 Washington Ave. : Houston, Texas 77007 : 713.862.2513, Donations

August 24th - Dallas, TX

August 25th - Kansas City, MO

1 pm – Scooter’s Coffeehouse – 929 Walnut St. Ste 100, Kansas City, MO 64106, 816.941.8585, Donations, Free Parking on Street

August 26th - St. Louis, MO

September 7th - las vegas -

September 8th - phoenix

September 9th - los angeles - (Jennifer’s Coffee Connection)

11am - Jennifer's Coffee Connection - 4397-D Tujunga Ave., Ste D; Studio City, CA 91604, (818) 769-3622, Donations

September 10th - san francisco

September 12th - portland

September 13th - seattle - (Cutter Point Coffee)

7pm - Cutter Point Coffee - 1936 Pacific Avenue, Tacoma, WA 98402, 253-272-7101, Donations

September 14th - minneapolis - (Bean Scene)

6 pm – Bean Scene - 2220 W Broadway Ave., Minneapolis , MN (612) 588-5282, Donations

September 15th - milwaukee

September 16th - chicago - (Fixx Coffeebar)

6 pm – The Fixx Coffeebar - 3053 N. Sheffield Ave., Chicago, IL (773) 248-0841, Donations

September 17th - detroit - (AJ’s Café)

6 pm - AJ's Café - 240 W. Nine Mile Rd., Ferndale, MI 48220, (248) 399-3946, Donations

September 18th – Cleveland – (Brielle’s Coffee and Tea Room)

6 pm - Brielle's Coffee and Team Room - 6523 Brecksville Rd., Cleveland, OH 44131, 216.642.9292, Donation

September 19th – buffalo –

September 20th - Albany - (Revolution Hall)

September 21st - Boston - (Mid East Cafe)

September 22nd - Manhattan/Brooklyn, NY - (Vox Pox Café)

6 pm - Vox Pop - 1022 Cortelyou Rd., Brooklyn, NY 11218, (718) 940-2084, Donations

September 23rd - Philadelphia, PA - (Starbucks)

6 pm – Starbucks - 347 South Street, Philadelphia, PA 19106, 215-627-4060, Donations

September 24th - Baltimore, MD

i remember the first slayer album i heard, south of heaven. i was outside skateboarding in front of my house and some nearby hardcore kids came over and wanted to play their new cassette in my radio. i asked what it was, they replied "fucking slayer". i scowled because it wasnt "punk" enough for me but i reluctantly obliged. from the opening note i was sold. it made me want to clench my teeth tight and face mosh kittens.

slayer is the gold standard against which every band is measured.
they are the pinnacle.
they are the band your parents pray that you never become a fan of.
they are the planet eating unicron.
and as scott ian from anthrax once said, "slayer is what hell sounds like."

now for my interview with Kerry King of Slayer read below.......


Q: what would the kerry king who was touring in 1984 in a car in support of 'Show No Mercy' do if he met the kerry king of today?

(laughter)
he'd say, "no WAY am i bald."

Q: youve had two grammy nominations and won one. how did you react when you won?

actually, i was on tour some place and we had the day off and i went to the gym. i was coming home from the gym and i saw that i had a bunch of text messages and figured something either really good or really bad happened. opened em up and i said, hey, i guess i have a shot.

Q: so how important is that to you?

eeeh, you know its a nice thing to have, but i think its cool that i can tell my dad that during his lifetime i did something worth while. but i value the awards that the fans vote on more, you know? theyre in touch with what they like.

Q: well then, what award that you've won is the most prestigious to you?

ya know, probably the gold records because thats pure accomplishment as opposed to an academy of people that may or may not be into you voting on something they may or may not like.

Q: where is your grammy?

um, in a box somewhere.

Q: you dont have it out on display?

well, the problem is, we're moving. once we're moved in it'll have a place to live somewhere.

Q: the crowds at slayer shows are often times known for being violent. what places do you play where you know that shit is going to get intense?

um, philly. phillys always nuts. new york, chicago, it seems the bigger cities the bigger the crowd and there is more history with the band, those are the crazier ones. brazils always crazy.

Q: have you ever felt in danger?

no man, theyre having fun and theyre having fun along with us...so to speak.

Q: do you feel that it has gotten more dangerous as your popularity has grown or do you feel it was more insane back in the reign in blood days?

probably earlier because nobody really knew how to control the crowd. back then you had security guys beating kids up if they came over the barricade you know, and thats not what its about, it took a long time to change that.

Q: looking back on a career spanning of a quarter century, what do you feel are the things that you remember the most that have made slayer legendary?

*pause*
*sigh*
probably being around that long.

Q: 25 years playing...slayer. without compromising, you're still fucking slayer.

yeah, we were lucky enough to know what we wanted to do and do it regardless whether if it was big or not and people came around to us, we didnt change to gain more fans they just listen and liked what they heard.

Q: what do you think it is that keeps kids coming back to slayer regardless of you refusing to change or compromise your art for a new generation?

well i think it could be a number of things; it could be a nostalgia thing or a "buzz" thing with people talking about it, but in the end, its brutal fucking music and if you're ever into any kind of hard music it seems to be, i mean, i did it when i was a kid...you keep looking for the harder stuff.

Q: to someone who has no clue who or what the slayer machine is, how would you describe slayer and your accomplishments?

its chaos on stage, the music just makes sense. its not like you're watching Meshuggah. i call them math metal, you know cause you have to sit there and figure out what kind of beat it is, and you're saying to yourself, "i dont even know how many beats there are here in the measure." haha, you know? its mind-numbing how Meshuggah plays and slayer is hard and heavy music and, um, people seem to get off on that.

Q: its well known that you and tom araya have a difference in beliefs on religion, when tom was interviewed for VH1, he was asked about the phrase 'God Hates Us All', and he replied 'It's just a great fucking album title". how did you react to that and did you know that was how he would answer the question?

well no, of course i didnt. the only thing i didnt like about that was that we contradicted each other and that makes us look silly.

Q: do you feel it is more than just an album title?

um, not really, i mean it IS an album title but its a great phrase too. i mean, you can look at it in all aspects of life, be it you're religious or not, im not religious but i see a lot of things, living in todays world that points to, if there is a god, he hates every fucking one of us.

Q: what song do you never get sick of playing?

probably 'Raining Blood', it always electrifies the crowd no matter where you play it during the set.

Q: are there any songs you wish you didnt have to play anymore?

not really, because i make up the set list. on this tour we're playing a lot off the new album, we're playing stuff since before dave left, we're playing a lot after he came back so there is a good variety of stuff you havent heard us play in quite some time.

Q: what bands are you into now?

waiting to hear the new arch enemy record, the last one was awesome. the last exodus album was awesome.

Q: you still keep in touch with a lot of those guys from back in the day?

yeah, we were like in tulsa or something on a day off and Exodus was playing a club somewhere and i was excited to go down there and check em out. i got to watch like one fucking song until i was bombarded with metal fans and i had to hide upstairs, haha. but yeah, when my friends come to town, i love to go see em. Children of Bodom or Lamb of God...or even old friends like Testament, i always come out.

Q: is it difficult being that recognizable?

eh, generally when im home at the anaheim house of blues and if somebody there DOESNT have my autograph, i'd be surprised. haha. anymore at that place and im like, how do i turn down all the shots? im like, "i cant sit and drink all night, guys."

Q: what is something the average slayer fan wouldnt expect kerry king to be into?

football. music dudes arent supposed to be into sports. im off september 2nd, so im off for the entire football season and im pretty stoked about that.

Q: whos your team?

the raiders are my team.

Q: what is an ideal night for you when you're not touring?

very average. movies, go to one of my local hangs, come home and chill with my wife. thats as good as it gets. cause, you know, i live this lifestyle every day when im out on the road, when i get home i dont want to do anything.

Q: any children?

nope.

Q: planning on any?

nope. im not done being one.

Q: favorite 80s arcade game?

galaga.

Q: when the slayer machine comes to an end, what would you like to be most remembered for?

shit, where should i start. i guess lucky enough to have the longevity and lucky enough for the record industry people to tell us we recorded the greatest thrash record of all time (reign in blood). but i think being able to stick around is the most important because that, that takes stamina. so many people churn out the same type of music but it just isnt relevant anymore. gold records and platinum records are a thing of the past.




slayer is currently on tour with marilyn manson and bleeding through.

after five hours of sleep and falling asleep on my couch due to the fact that i was writing my update for yesterday till 430am, i wasnt really ready for today. i woke up, brushed my teef, washed my face and hopped on the el train down to lollapalooza for the 3rd and final day.
today was much warmer, sunnier and more humid than the weather reported, so wearing jeans was a bad idea.


juliette and the licks.
if you have never heard of this band and you asked someone who the nutcase was on the stage bashing her head in with the mic, you hear something similar to this, "its that creepy half-retarded chick mallory from natural born killers." juliette lewis is the front woman for the licks, a straight up punk rocknroll band. juliette comes off writhes across the stage like a meth crazed nancy spungen on a three day meth binge...and thats actually a compliment in my book. a sweaty mess of melted eyeliner, she crawls across the stage screaming, "fuck you. fuck you." all while punching the stage like a low-rent spawn of iggy pop and hedwig from hedwig and the angry inch.
shes every bit that pissed off fifteen year old girl who wants nothing more than to grow up, get on stage and tell the world to kiss her ass like vince neil circa 1986, all while doing it from the stage where the MC5 recorded 'kick out the jams' from before the beatdowns of the 1968 democratic convention.
i have never been more impressed before noon in my life.


1900s.
ill give the indie scene credit, those crazy bastard love to throw everything in the pot. like the beat generation, no ones going to call you on your shit because of the fear of coming off as "unhip" or "not getting it." ill say it, i dont get it. but hey, i hated the 'dharma bums' as well. psychedelic folk indie pop...wait, what? yeah, see what im saying?


the candy band.
four middle aged punk rock moms who cover everything from humpty dumpty, jack and jill, the itsy bitsy spider and my personal favorite: the 'rock/paper/scissors' song, all to a ramones-esque soundtrack.
peter distefano (porno for pyros) joined them on stage for a rendition of an old nursery rhyme.
brilliance.



lupe fiasco.
watching live hip hop is more often than not, a hot mess. you know, twenty motherfuckers who all brought their cousins rolling up on stage with water bottle, sweat towels and a microphone for everyone. it always comes off like a bootleg wu-tang and everyone thinks THEY are the star of the show.
lupe leaves that madness back in the 90s with his edgy and aggressive conscious hip hop. the flow is flawless and his stage presence is undeniable. twista made his regular guest appearance as he always seems to do at every chicago hip hop show, which is a bit confusing for the drunk cubs fans and totally entertaining for myself.
i watched half of the show from backstage because they were hanging out free ice cream and vitamin water. hey, call me lazy but old people dont fare very well in the heat. seriously, watch the news and shit.


the black angels.
um, folk rock with no back bone.
they got paid two thousand dollars.

amy winehouse.
60s english soul mixed with r&b. oh, you know who she is. her songs are awesome but since shes from the UK where its apparently hip to be 'too cool for school', we were lucky that her ass even bothered to show up.
15 minutes late to stage.

iggy and the stooges.
im an old dude, which makes my moms old. this dude is the same age as her and he can (and will) smoke any single person you can think of off the stage with one fucking song. like the who being terrified to follow jimi hendrix at the monterey pop festival, i couldnt imagine ANYONE trying to step to this man.
super-charged, sweaty, chest-beating, mayhem designed to smash and grab at your senses and leave you feeling like you've just been gang raped by a horde of heroin addicts.
overheard:
"the crowd looks lost."
and that couldnt have been a more accurate assessment. this crowd didnt know what to do with this ripped devil going for the throat with every song. screaming, "my idea of fun is killing everyone." into the crowd sent a streams of the timid back to the safety of the palatable and safe mock rock musings of the kings of leon located on the stage on the opposite side of the festival.
throwing full water bottles into the crowd, hurling microphone stands at stage hands and kicking and swinging at the tv cameramen that projected his face on the large screen jumbo-trons, even if for a second, he brought back a hint of that original punk rock danger that he is so notorious for. i could only wish to live a life of such intensity and still be standing and swinging for the fences.
iggy isnt simply the grandfather of punk rock...hes the trail blazing inferno god of intensity and rage.
bow down.


all in all, i would say lollapalooza ranked somewhere above warped tour and a little below a summer hot dog roast festival. midly enjoyable in a campy sort of way and slightly annoying in a daytime drunk-fest sort of way.


fin.

For my recap of Day 2 CLICK HERE
For my recap of Day 1 CLICK HERE.

walked in lollapalooza today under a cloudy sky. immediately it was twice as packed as the day before, ah, the weekend.
you ever walk into a party and the vibe is so heavy that you can feel in your bones someone is going to get into a fight and that someone is probably going to be you? yeah, i asked every person i ran into if they felt the same and everyone seemed to agree. the lack of sun and intermittent rain seemed to even cast a sullen mood over the beer cup weekend bro warriors.


cold war kids.
indie blues rock, but dont let that scare you. this band has swag and momentum coming out of their asses. very few bands touched their performance today. i just recently got into this band, i think their infusion of blues swag with aggressive indie rock is just the odd combination the music industry needs to give it a shot of individuality. i know this. but i certainly hope the ten thousand beer cups held up in the air understand this as well. otherwise, i would be pissed that i had to watch them from half a mile away. im crossing my fingers they paid attention.


motion city soundtrack.
motion city have been on tour since 1954 or 1955 so if you havent gotten to see them at some point you either dont go to many shows or you've been on house arrest for that pipe bomb thing for a few years now. if you dont know by now, MCS is a well balanced blend of post poppy radio punk infused with some sweet keyboard melodies. and hey, you cant go wrong with a formula like that in my book. up until now, they have been notorious for their live and energetic shows which always cons you into liking a show that much more when the band playing seems like theyre having the time of their lives.
what ive come to notice at larger festivals like these is that bands tend to play it a bit more safe because the crowd seems to be a bit more finicky and docile due to the fact that most people who attend these festivals come for the ambiance and thrill of being at a festival, not so they can line up across the barricade to stare at justins "sweet" hair. (um, when is someone going to tell that dude he looks like shit?). while the music is always fun and flawless, the seemed to lack steam today. who knows why?


cage the elephant.
on my way to watch the roots, i walked past the little stage in the shade under the trees and this band caught my ear. a strange mix of rock and funk and blues. the thing that sold me was that they reminded me so much of the MC5, and that is solid in my book. strange that they played literally a few hundred feet away from where the MC5 played the 1968 democratic convention. oh yeah. i dont care what VICE magazine says, red pants are for retards.


the roots.
you know when the ferris bueller of your school throws a party and all the cliques of kids roll out; metalheads, emo kids, preps, goths, hip hop thugs and self-richeous hipsters...the biggest problem is, what the fuck do you play on the stereo that will make everyone happy. the roots. theyre hip enough for the civilians, theyre intellectual enough for the pompous music snobs and aggressive enough for the weirdos. they are the one single band that will cross all genres. their live performance is legendary. if you dont know you better ask somebody.


overheard:
two twenty something girls talking.
"im so impressed that no one is littering." girl A says.
"yeah, i agree." girl B says.
"maybe i should start recycling again."
maybe i have underestimated mr. ferrells hippy mission. his environmental friendly festival with recycling bins and eco-education has at the very least inspired two catty ass girls from chicago.
i apologize mr. ferrell, i stand corrected.



clap your hands and say yeah.
you know how every music critic always puts some david byrne/talking heads record in his top 10 and you feel like an uneducated turd because you've never heard anything off of it. i have. they blow. clap your hands is what they should have sounded like if david byrne didnt take himself so goddamn serious. this band is so fun and catchy it almost makes me want to bootleg their music. but dont tell anyone i told you that the new record is a shadow of everything else they have done.

the hold steady.
so i have been forced to listen to this band for years because the chick who touches my wiener from time to time loves the shit out of em. also, because a handful of their old songs are written about her. strange and awkward i might add. this band is what would happen if the replacements had sex with cheap trick and named their baby kermit. this band had to grow on me. the spoken word type reading/singing thing is unique yet compelling. the stories and poems are so intriguing that you get lost in the story and almost forget you're listening to music.


yeah yeah yeahs.
you remember that 'maps' song, if you didnt like that song you dont have a working heart. whats funny about that is that that song is so completely different from the rest of their catalog. this is pure 70s art punk. yeah, you never thought about that shit, did you? they would have been playing CBGBs and maxs kansas city along side television and richard hell. im fairly certain karen O will rip your face off if ever had the stones to try and battle her on stage. this chick puts everything she has into her performance so that you will walk away thinking that that crappy band you've been trying to get off the ground will never put out anything with a fraction of the intensity that you just saw. call it a day, sucker.

patti smith.
yes, she is important to music, punk and art in general. yes, she is legendary. yes, she was the first AND last performer at the legendary CBGBs club in new york. and yes, she is a hippy that gave us a seven minute clarinet solo. hey, i at least i can say i saw her boring ass.

interpol.
if i have to tell you how amazing this band is then you need to go walk into traffic.


i managed to get an amazing interview with nate from sherwood. i had the pleasure of sharing the stage with them on last years warped tour while i was out doing my spoken word stuff. as i was finishing up my stories about rubbing my peepee on something i could hear them behind me doing their best at trying to set up their equipment without making too much noise. this band is the real deal. they bust their balls the way bands used to, by getting out there and making it happen instead of looking to the "have"s and seeing what they dont have. i want to personally thank nate for giving honest and genuine answers to my questions, because i can tell you, it doesnt happen very often.


and it was time to leave.

so let start this off, dear reader, with a bit of a disclaimer.
odds are, you've been to a festival. warped tour, taste of chaos, bamboozle, reading, leeds, etc. odds are even better you've seen blog after blog of band pictures shot from 500 feet away of the bloggers "favorite band" and you could practically hear the fan girl screams come through the screen about the "hot singer in girls jeans and eyeliner" (but thank god that phase is slowly dying).
so i will make you a promise.
i promise to you to be as honest with my reviews as possible. if a band that i previously thought was utter horseshit is mind-blowing on stage, i will admit it. yet, conversely, if a band looks and sounds like horseshit...well, im sure you get the picture.


the great thing about lollapalooza is the fact that i am primarily out of my element. i only saw one mohawk, a handful of band tshirts and very little tattoos. the demographic seems to be a park full of twenty/thirty somethings out to "get a few drinks and jam to some good tunes". granted, there were minor mosh pits and your average scene gaggles sweating up the barricade for jacks mannequin and against me! but overall, it was a pretty "chill" fest.

today, after some minor problems i managed to walk into grant park in the heart of downtown chicago at the lakefront, look to my left and see ted leo and the pharmacists playing a faster song to a crowd of overheated yet excitable fans. you know, ive heard much about this band but ive never given them much of a chance. i knew their sound has evolved much after the lookout! records years which never did much for me in the first place. so all alone and still smelling nice, i decided to saddle my way up to the stage and give them one more chance. um, holy shit. not only was i surprised how well they seemed to go over with the most jaded looking music snobs but goddamn does this dude play with some fucking heart. this is what im talking about...balls in music. i think that so many people get the impression that you have to smash guitars and yell at the top of your lungs to prove to your audience how sincere you are. granted, sometimes it does add to the aesthetic of it all but ted leo won me the fuck over. i showed up a skeptic and left a fan.

jacks mannequin.
this seemed to be the under 18 contingents favorite. they were surprisingly un-campy, which wasnt what i was expecting from a band who sounds like they only record theme songs to MTV reality shows. very progressive for having roots in "punk rock" (oh yes, im using quotes on that one) and yet being so young. for as badly as i want to talk shit about this candy-pop hype band, i simply can not. they were genuine dudes, on and back stage and they seemed to be having fun with what they were doing for playing an outdoor festival.
side note:
there was a interpreter for the deaf standing next to the stage. i found this a bit odd and ironic but understandable. nonetheless, i couldnt take my eyes off her. she was flailing around looking like a 90s fly girl. shit was fucking hilarious.
come on, tell me shes not doing that thing your mom does when shes got a few in her and walks into your room while you're listening to music with your friends:

and you know there isnt any deaf people at this damn thing. if i was her i would totally sneak in gang signs and middle fingers...wait...

oh yeah, this dude wasnt having anyone snake his spot at the barricade. know why? because he LOVED jacks mannequin. no bullshit.


powerspace.
the new saviors of fueled by ramen records. ok, let me put it this way:
you know when you're in your car, bored with everything on your ipod you put on the classic rock station praying for some journey, bon jovi or loverboy so you can rock out singing sick melodies about absolutely nothing to the visor and steering wheel? well, powerspace is like the loverboy of pop-punk, oh yeah, complete with headbands. like the musical equivalent of celery, fun to chew on when your kindergarden teacher makes ants on a log but sucks once you grow up you realize it has absolutely no nutritional value and leaves you feeling empty on the inside.


the one thing about a festival run by a hippy is the fact that they have art on display.
bunnies are like kittens, you can dip em in shit and still consider cuddling them for a hot second.


oh, and of course the chicago police had to get their little paws into the mix to try and distract the people that theyre beating female bartenders, shooting innocent black kids in the ghettos and arresting and manhandling yours truly for looking like a robbery suspect by telling the concertgoers, "hey guys, look, we're eco-friendly."


against me!
florida beard-core. oh, you know what im talking about. i love the fact that this band is getting exposure. not because i believe they deserve it because "they've worked so hard" or because "theyre my favorite band" but because the music business is run by old white men who pay more attention to "hooks" and marketability than bands with balls, heart and an ability to shake the political structure. every now and then a band like against me! slips through the cracks and ends up on magazines and playing festivals without seemingly having to compromise anything, and THAT, that i love. oh yeah, they were awesome as well. ha.

slightly stoopid.
you know when you're at a kegger and "those dudes" call you a pussy because you dont know how to "shotgun" beer correctly? oh you know, the dudes who maddog you at red lights from their camaro with the sublime sticker on the bumper and wear rope necklaces? yeah, those dudes have a band now.
they have a new album called chronchitis (yeah, i checked the spelling on that too) out now and have songs entitled "fat spliffs" and "comb 4 my dome".
*cough*
they did play an old song that was reminscent of early operation ivy which is awesome in my book but the phrase my mother used to tell me when i was young keeps running through my head, "honey, if you dont have anything nice to say, dont say anything at all."
ive never listened to that bit of advice before...but i think i will start now.
you can ask these "dudes", they loved em:


moe.
remember when everyone followed "the dead" around until jerry garcia died then all the hippies panicked for a hot minute until they sobered up enough to realize they had a bootleg version with the band phish? yeah, those hippies grew up, got jobs and bought frisbees.
this is what they listen to now.


then i walked around a bit and ran into some friends.
tim from rise against:

and nick schimecka who is looking more and more like art carney from the honeymooners:


viva voce.
i liked it. that is all.



the rapture.
you ever not want to like a band simply because of the self-righteous urban hippy motherfuckers who give you condescending stares when you dont know the lyrics to the obscure single that was released in burma ten years ago? thats me and this band. they are innovative, refreshing and fun enough to be damn near my favorite band, but that would mean i would have to go to the "see and be scene" parties and pretend i like pabst blue ribbon and i just cant bring myself to do it. i cant. nonetheless, this band is fun and energetic as fuck live. you genuinely feel like everyone else in the world is missing out while you're there.
oh, and ill be damned if they dont know how to use a cowbell.

so i was invited to this press event called "the solutionists" where perry ferrell was going to sit and give the media insight on the festival by being fed questions by the music editor from esquire magazine. he was flanked by ted leo and the dude from the polyphonic spree. there was a decent sized crowd of media there ready to hang on perrys every word...that was, until he opened his mouth.


everything from the feng shui of the festival set up him to him telling the small crowd that he loves the environment, you know, because hes a "extreme sport athlete". i have never heard so much self-important bullshit in my life. when asked about how important the message in festivals was he responded by saying that he loves it but the "biggest failure" hes ever had with the festival was when he put "issues" at the forefront. he then backpedaled by saying that he would rather make for a more comfortable and relaxed atmosphere, one that would be conducive to facilitate discussion. yeah brah, im sure all the bros are pontificating about the children dying in somalia over the five dollar beers and four dollar hot dogs. total martyr complex.
as if that wasnt enough, he had "handlers" and crew of cameras following his every move. eh, good for dude. he kept staring at me the entire interview...i knew exactly what he was thinking. who is this tattooed hoodlum and why is he on his sidekick the entire time. ha. in my defense, i was taking notes.


oh yeah, i hung out with john from absolutepunk.net who was awesomely drunk and we tried getting our friend to talk.

3:41am and im doing my best at keeping the bad thoughts at bay. my constant playlist has been: wake to uninspire. run/bike, home to be exhausted. hang with ____ that keeps me preoccupied. late night sensitive artist mode. doesnt make for a very productive permanent vaykay, now does it? i have to change my system because it doesnt seem to be working.
something about having the time takes away that sense of urgency. that lust to write. and that lust turns to lazy and lazy will be the death of me. and you. because we only die when we become to lazy to fight.

today i rode my bike to the 30 foot statue of president lincoln in the middle of lincoln park. hes big and metal and is standing in front of his big and metal chair. ive been going to it for years. i climb up the statue and sit behind lincoln in his chair and i look across the park like the contemplative boy that i am. today i tried jumping up on it and i forgot that he and his chair are made out of iron and had been sitting in the 90 degree weather all day and it burned my hands. i didnt care, i still jumped up on this thing because there was a homeless man watching me and i didnt want him to get the impression that i was a pussy because the shit was too hot. so i jumped and i burned my little paws. they just stopped tingling an hour or so ago.

Stacey - What was going through your mind when that bull kicked your ass?

Chris - I didn't even see the bull turn. It literally happened when I closed my eyes to blink. All I knew was that there was a bull throwing me up in the air. I didn't even realize that I was hurt until I was sore the next day.

Stacey - Do you think you'll be doing Running Of The Bulls again?

Chris - No. I have no desire to go back to that terrible mess of a festival. It's the worst place on earth but I tolerate it for 45 minutes.

Stacey - What inspired you to begin writing?


Chris - I began writing because that's what people did in the hardcore scene with fanzines. I did it because I wanted to have a zine. But what I found was the more I wrote, the better and more relieved I felt. It was like an addiction. So I wrote more honestly and people seemed to respond fairly positive to it.

Stacey - Do you regret quitting your job to further your writing career?


Chris - Absolutely not. I don't regret anything about that. But odds are, it won't work out. But no, I'm taking a chance but while I'm in the moment I get to live my dream.

Stacey - What's your favorite story from each of your books and why?


Chris - Hmm. Well, from "On The Upswing" I would say "Young, Poor, and Snotty" just because it reminds me of the awesome times with my dudes. I don't think it's the best story I've ever written, actually I think the way it's written is pretty shitty. I seemed to combine like five stories into one mess of an episode.

Stacey - And what about from Live Deliberate?


Chris - Well, that's the book I actually took seriously. See, the first book I treated more like a pretty zine with a glossy cover. I had never written anything BUT zines and I didn't expect to sell anymore than a couple hundred copies if I was lucky. Imagine how it felt when I sold 1050 in seven months. Then I thought to myself, "wow, I guess people are actually entertained by what I do". Note I didn't say they necessarily LIKED it. So with "Live Deliberate", I wrote it with a proper book format in mind. So the stories that I like in the book I like for different reasons. "My First Hero" is the most vulnerable story I've ever written.

Stacey - What was the hardest story for you to write and share with people?


Chris - Definately "My First Hero". It's not a story so much as it is a confession. It really took a lot out of me and it was one of those stories that I had to think twice about including because I didn't know how it would be received because of the way that I treated my mother and my irrational behavior as a child. But that's when I knew I did a decent job as far as my skills are concerned.

Stacey - Are you used to the fact that you now have fans and they consider you their hero and their inspiration?


Chris - You say that as if many people do haha. Am I "used to it". Absolutely not. I am humbled and honored by it though. Someday I just hope to see what they see.

Stacey - Because a lot of your fans are younger, do you sometimes feel that you have to edit yourself and that you have some sort of responsibility to them?


Chris - Well that is something that has been concerning me because I've realized that whether I've asked for it or not, that responsibility has been thrust upon me. And yes, sometimes I do think twice about something that I might talk about. But then the "Am I compromising myself" question comes into play. And if there's something I have to say that I'm a bit unsure of I just make sure to word it carefully.

Stacey - Has there ever been anything that you have shared with the lurkers that you wish you didn't?


Chris - Um, no. But there are instances where I shared too much information that people have taken advantage of and used it to try and hurt me.

Stacey - Did you ever figure out what you want written on your gravestone?


Chris - Honestly, no. "Solid Dude."

Stacey - Good choice. What's the next thing for you to tackle on your List Of Things To Do Before You Die?


Chris - Hopefully swim with the sharks next month in Australia.

Stacey - That sounds really dangerous.


Chris - I also want to learn how to speak Spanish. That's been on the list for awhile but especially after I went to Spain I really want to learn it.

Stacey - What are your biggest fears and have you ever let your fears get the best of you?


Chris - My biggest fear is that I don't live correctly. Well, that's vague or in my eyes. It's like, I did the Running Of The Bulls for the second time because I didn't think I did it right the first time. I felt I played it too safe which I did so the second time, I didn't. Aaand I got hit by a bull. But hey that's what happens.

Stacey - If you were given the chance to re-connect with your father and hear what he had to say, would you?


Chris - I feel I already have and he didn't have anything to say. I don't feel that I'm in the position to have to beg him for emotions, you know? Like, I care, I do. I'm mature enough now to admit it because I denied it for years. But if the dude doesn't have much to say to me I'm not going to follow him around like a little kid who wants more candy. If he has anything to say, I'm more than willing to listen and be empathetic. If he called or e-mailed and asked to go to lunch, I would in a heartbeat. But I don't think he has or ever was taught how to be a compassionate person.

Stacey - Now that the Live Deliberate tour is over, do you have any future plans to do more speakings and readings or possibly another tour?


Chris - August I will be in Australia, September is the next US tour, October is the UK and November is Canada.

Stacey - Are there any plans for a third book?


Chris - Oh definately. I'm working on one as we speak. It's about 20% finished. Not bad for less than a month's work.

Stacey - Definately not. Good luck with that. Will you be recording another spoken word CD?


Chris - Probably not. If I do anything it would be reading my books on CD. I have a few blind lurkers.

Stacey - Haha nice. Is there anything else that you would like to add that we didn't cover?


Chris - Listen to Slayer.

Stacey - Would you like to say anything to your fans?


Chris - Words only diminish the appreciation I have for the people who believe in me...all I can say is, "Thank You" over and over.

Stacey - Alright that's the interview. Thank you again so so much for taking time out to do this with me. I really appreciate it.


Chris - Thank you for asking. Good questions by the way.

Stacey - Alright I'll let you go now so have a good night and good luck with everything.



http://www.myspace.com/fueledbyphotography

does it matter if you dig ditches or peck information into a computer or move shares or process insurance claims?

i mean, fuck, fuck the money. its all just someone elses pittance.
you're just the horse for someone elses cart.

but the world needs people who dont follow their dreams. our society would collapse if it was run by a bunch of selfish "artists" who sat around drawing and painting and writing and playing music. a world of self-important assholes pontificating over black coffee diner counters.

shit needs to get done...but honey, i aint your huckleberry.

thank god the world is full of cowards.

it was the mid-90s and before the internet, people wrote fanzines to bitch, moan, complain, pontificate, review and interview. like a blog, only on paper. everyone was writing one and i wanted to as well. i didnt have shit to say but hey, thats never stopped me. so i went out, interviewed some bands, wrote some stuff i am absolutely ashamed about, grabbed a pair of scissors and a glue stick and headed out to the local library where copies were ten cents a piece. i sat there and cut and pasted on and off for days and eventually i shit out deadxstop fanzine #1.
it was my first step into writing, you would think in the 13 or so years since i would have gotten something right. yet, for some ungodly reason, i keep doing it like the boxer to is too dumb to stay down or the boyfriend who is far too infatuated to leave you alone.
this is my writing history.


deadxstop fanzine #1 (late 94 or early 95). i interviewed the mighty-mighty bosstones (who were my favorite band at the time. shut your mouth, thank you) and the terrible straight edge band i was in, xshroudx. the zine was packed with filler to compensate for the fact that i didnt have shit to say: pictures, ads, crossword puzzles and a contest where the contestants were to guess the name of a famous dog and the first person to mail me the correct answer would win a 3-D porno. it cost twice as much to produce as i sold it for but i didnt care. i wanted a zine. i came up with the title while listening to the negative approach tape 'total recall'. there was a song called dead stop, i simply liked the way it rolled off my tongue so i kept it. if i would have known that 12 years later that my friends would still be referring to me as 'dead stop', i would have chosen a cooler name. i only made about 30 copies and god forbid if someone has one because it might be one of the mist embarrassing things i have ever shit out. one dollar.

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dxs #1.5 (1996), was a 1/4 page sized zine. handwritten while i was bored in a political science classes i was in, i made copies in the school library and handed them out for free at shows. it was 2 stories that i wrote for fun; one about throwing apples at cop cars and one about my cats stinky ass and huge balls.
this was a turning point. the tiny booklet was done tongue in cheek yet people responded well to it. jim grimes said to me, "why dont you write more shit like this?" he went on to say it was more "me", more "honest". and that was the moment i realized that people respond better to honesty in writing. i took that suggestion seriously and it made a huge impact on the direction of my writing from then on.
there were maybe 20 copies of this made and i dont know of any that still exist. free.


dxs #2 (1997), was my the beginning of my half-page sized fanzine that would become my standard. a little more honest writing, stories about jerking off, being an asshole at parties and discovering punk rock. i interviewed a big chicago band at the time, the bollweevils and re-printed an old misfits interview from flipside magazine from 83. not so many ads and pictures, this tells me that i was becoming more confident in my ability to entertain people with my writing. one dollar.

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dxs #2.5 (1998), was a collaborative effort with 'the war is not over' fanzine. it was a 'split-zine', meaning that i wrote half and boo wrote the other half. we made about 30 copies that have been forever lost to the sands of hardcore time. we both wrote our stories in pen because we felt it would be more personal. boo has the handwriting ability of an axe-murderer with a arthritic condition so he definitely out-shined me with brilliant prose similar to, "I FUCKING LOVED YOU AND YOU STABBED ME IN THE BACK YOU FUCKING BITCH." imagine this being written in large, scratchy, bold and capital letters that slowly curved at the ends of the lines. i do believe he wrote his sections with the pen held like a dagger. free.


dxs #3 (1999). this was the first writing that i was ever 'proud' of. i was deathly afraid of putting this kind of honesty out there because there were 3 stories that dealt with my family which were actually the skeletons of stories that i would eventually re-write for my books. in one form or another they were: auntie larry, my first hero and april, 1983. you can see the facade falling away in the articles and the real and vulnerable chris peeking his head out, one that wasnt so quick to point fingers and who was more concerned with understanding and empathy. this was the first time i had ever gotten genuine compliments for my writing from people who werent just my friends. i also had 3 guest writers; my best friend matt, adam bishop (of arma angelus fame) and scott vogel (of terror fame). cover was stolen from the teen idles 7". i made 90 copies and almost made my money back. one dollar.


dxs #4 (2001). i can actually go back and re-read this zine and be happy with the writing, which rarely ever happens. this was me finally writing for myself without taking an audience i